9. I Left My Job. Now What?
Spring 2019
April 2019, It was my first day working from home. I stared out the window listening to the leaf blower, humming and Ohm'ing along with the sound it was making, starting at a blank screen not sure where to start. Do I jump back into creating my website? Do I write? I had no clue what my priorities were. The vision I was tapped into for what I wanted to create felt very big and elevated, and I had no idea how to ground that and break that down into linear steps. So I scrolled Instagram and read my emails. What we see many entrepreneurs do who are not clear on their priorities and have not set up the systems that help them focus.
Even though I loved LA and my heart and soul wanted to re-locate there, I thought it was too many changes all at once. I had to draw the line somewhere afterall. It'd only been 4 months of me trekking this new path. I'd also never lived farther than 1 borough away from my family. I figured, I have a steady per diem nursing gig here. I can work up to 3 days a week at that job if I needed to, and this would create a longer runway for my savings as I build my business.
What I didn't know back then that I know now, is that sometimes a longer runway + larger cushion delays urgency and action = longer timeline to get the result you're looking for, especially if you're not optimized in how you use your time, energy and attention. Something we help you solve early on now in our program :).
Clifton and I were going strong long distance, but knew we wanted to spend more time together. So we decided he'd come visit me in NY and set up some business meetings over here and see what work opportunities he could find here.
We had a blast spending the week together in NY while he was here. I introduced him to some of my friends, and showed him some of my favorite places in NY. Doing the NY version of the LA tour he gave me, to persuade him to come move in my direction. I got a call from the guru as part of the program I was in and told him my intention to change the Akashic record for Clifton and I to not go separate ways and he gave his blessings.
I laugh as I write this now because I did not have a quantum view of reality back then so what I didn't know is that all changing the Akashic record means is updating your story, narratives, beliefs, core concept of self and from there you experience a different trajectory or "timeline" as a different version of yourself. And you don't need a guru to do that for you — you can work on it yourself in any way you wish as you shift your identity.
Even psychics or intuitives who are picking up information about you are sharing what a most probable timeline is that they can perceive based on how you are currently presenting. If you update who you are in the present moment based on your emotional state and level of consciousness, and from there take new actions based on your new beliefs, you will yield a different result, therefore a different timeline.
Anyway, the trip went well and before we knew it, a month later Clifton was back on a one way ticket to NY with just a carryon suitcase. We decided since I had specific location based income and my own place and he was living with his sister and working remotely, it made more sense for him to move in with me. Five months into talking to each other every day, and 3 months after deciding we were in a relationship. I'd never lived with a boyfriend before, that was fast.
Balancing being in a new relationship where we spent all of our time together in a 1-bedroom apartment that was the perfect for just me & my cat Mica, but became too crowded with an additional person — and working on my business, and us doing both of our spiritual practices and being in a super elevated state, and each doing our healing work, and triggering each other in the process — proved harder than I thought. There were too many hats involved. Relationship partners, household partners, business collaborators, and what we jokingly called "monkmates".
Much of my personal development work was done solo prior to this. But conscious relationships become such a mirror and amplifier for your healing work that they put the personal development on steroids. They also expose unresolved responsibility faster than any personal development work you will do on your own.
A big blindspot that was exposed for me immediately was being better with how I spend and track my money. I'd been used to my cush 6-figure+ job and certain comforts that I had to cut back on in alignment with my new priority of being a scrappy entrepreneur.
I was so used to living in overflow that I had no tracking system for my inflows and outflows, other than having setting aside money for savings and having a separate travel account that when it filled up, I go take a trip.
One of the hardest ones was cutting back on dining out, which became easier because I was now vegan and learned some amazing new recipes that were organic, vegan, gluten free that I was excited out. The kitchen is usually an area where my creative expression comes out, even in the face of dietary constraints. Another one was cutting back on traveling, I was no longer getting paid time off, so time away meant I did not get a paycheck with this job. I also had to go out of pocket for my health insurance.
One of the things Clifton had me do was download all my credit card and bank statements for the past 12 months and categorize them. I'd never done that before. I'd never even been savvy on a spreadsheet before. Steep learning curve for me. I also had a rebelliousness nature about not wanting to let go of my joys that cost $. And then create a budget.
Figure out how much I had to bring in in my per diem job each month, track my savings and see how long of a runway I had, and how much I had to bring in from my business. I still hadn't figured out how to get past bringing in a few hundred dollars a month there.
I saw a pattern that was pretty easy to see. I worked 3 days a week at the integrative health nursing job doing guided meditations, reiki etc. And then spent my 2 days off a week wavering between crying, processing, doing shadow work and elevating spiritual practices or arguing with Clifton (that conscious mirror pointing out the blindspot for one another). And then spending quality couple time with Clifton on the weekend or seeing some friends or family.
So in total maybe 2 or 3 actual hours focused on the business for the entire week, and then freaking out not really moving the needle forward in the business and dwindling finances in the process because I'd taken a $50k/year cut from my previous work situation. Ooph. I saw that removing the structure of a steady job and a steady paycheck without replacing it creates instability.
A lot of the self work I was doing was around moving through negative self-talk about doing something that felt "big" and my worthiness to do it. I did not have the capacity to act on this in the current view I had of myself. I relied a lot of Clifton to help me build the capacity to execute, and it was like pushing uphill through all of my resistance. And at the same time, I over-indexed on taking too much responsibility for the both of us and our wellbeing and livelihood in the 3D.
We loved each other very much. And at the same time, as you can tell, the relationship was very co-dependent. I was so inspired by his vision, level of risk tolerance, and I loved being seen, appreciated for who I was, and held loving space for by him for my journey too.
You see, I took Clifton in to live with me after he and his previous business partner went separate ways. He was successfully able to scale their company from 2 to 49 people and go from $10K/month - $200K/month. He was rebuilding himself after that fallout, plus going through a major conscious awakening had opened up new unique channeling abilities that were very taxing on his nervous system, plus almost moved to India and became a monk and was too emaciated and energetically sensitive from this awakening process to spend much time in the matrix in his current state.
Clifton was working on several projects at what we call the Societal level in our 6S framework. And he was working on his State, but he was getting absorbed into the projects without clear differentiation of his specific service he provided the projects or clear compensation until an investor funded it.
We wouldn't learn for several more years, that in order work on projects on the societal level like creating closed loop ecosystems, off grid eco-villages and projects that involved government grants and timelines to get funded, you must have a clear service and systems that already bring in cashflow in your business before taking on larger collaborative projects.
There are too many variables that can delay funding and destabilize you financially in the process, making it harder for you to "hold the note" and have the nervous system capacity to bring them fruition.
Years later as we would reflect on this period in our lives, we'd joke that, I was "a Face with no Future", caught in my self-discovery and healing journey with no bigger vision to pull me — and he was "a Future with no Face", caught up in big societal level macro visions, but barely able to take care of himself.
Summer & Fall 2019
That summer and fall of 2019 were very challenging because a lot of my life had become talking about big projects and visions, spiritual development. I very much missed the simple things like going to brunch, traveling, even though I was on a much tighter budget, I still overspent. We took a trip to Europe for a 3 weeks for a wedding, some sightseeing and eating some amazing vegan Scandanavian buffets. That felt "normal".
Otherwise we spent a lot of time with Clifton channeling a deity called Kalabhairava who was protector of the Akashic record and I would ask questions about spiritual development, about insight to help further along the missions and projects he and I were working on, and questions on behalf of other people who inquired for readings. Similar to Abraham Hicks. Jerry Hicks would ask Ester questions, and Abraham, the divine intelligence Ester channels, would answer.
Clifton was given specific instructions by his guidance that this was a service he could not monetize, and that he had to find other ways to support himself. Which was frustrating at the time, but what we did not know then that we know now is that if you fuse a spiritual gift with a matrix offer, that is a more appropriate way to deliver the service, and in the context of a specific transformation for your client.
So I would ask questions, Clifton would channel answers. Then we started adding onto the process. We started recording the sessions to listen back later. Then I started re-listening to the sessions and manually transcribing the at times 40-minute to 1 hour long conversations (this was before the days of AI transcription), taking notes on the actionable insights and next steps.
Essentially, what had happened all of 2019 was I was in an in-home remote conscious awakening retreat. From doing the spiritual practices in the morning, morning kriyas, meditation, puja (devotional guru worship), to watching the nightly satsangs the guru livestreamed through YouTube, to changing my simple filter water, to a delivery water service + water structuring device. And we got one of the vibroacoustic therapy beds that I loved when I visited in LA that helps clear cellular memory. Plus the frequent channeling.
My intention was to work on my business, but based on what I was actually prioritizing, it became moreso to go through a major conscious awakening program. I deeply yearned to develop more of my spiritual gifts, like Clifton had, connect with my higher self and find my true purpose. In reality, I didn't have a purpose problem, I had a structure problem.
I was operating under the flawed premise that more inner work would create more forward progress in the business. But in reality, my bottleneck was execution and structure, not more conscious expansion. I was stuck in a loop of working on "Self" in our 6S's not fully graduating into Service and Systems.
Several channeled messages came in for me to start lifting weights. But I would not understand the significance of it until years later. I thought it was just for me to channel my anger I was processing and healing. In reality, what we found out is that lifting weights, helps you move matter in the 3D as well aka be grounded in follow through and it's one of the first things we recommend to our clients. Knowing that sure would have helped with my execution back then!
After doing all of this prep work remotely at home, there was nothing that I wanted more than to go to a live inner awakening program with the guru in India. Up until that point, that was the most I had even invested in a program, $12K. Gulp. Plus a $1800 flight to India. More on that next.
