6. I Finally Had Space. Then the Bigger Questions Arrived.

I fell in love with my new place and for the first time, had the opportunity to live on my own. I had never lived on my own before, other than when a roommate was out of town. It was the perfect amount of space and it was all for me. The new place was spacious, bright, had a good amount of windows, great closet space, a balcony, a dishwasher and laundry in the building, roof access, backyard access, and even a decent sized closet in the building's basement, and it was in Williamsburg! This was like hitting the jackpot for NY standards.

The backyard housed a feral cat colony that the neighbors downstairs fed and took care of. And I enjoyed eating dinner on my balcony looking over the yard with the cats. As the spring and summer passed, several of them had litters too, so I was watching the adorable kittens play in the yard.

As I started getting comfortable and settled in my new place and the novelty of living alone wore off, I realized I really did want a companion. I slipped the guys downstairs a note saying I'd love to be considered for a kitten if they were adopting them out and to text me.

There was a specific one I was looking at that I was vibing with. And I told them I'm about to head on a 2 week trip to Burning Man, if that kitten isn't adopted out by the time I return, I'd love to adopt it.

Later summer 2018, I came back to Burning Man with the same camp. This burn was significant for a different reason and what it unlocked for me was completely different than what I'd unlocked the previous year. Each experience is different, you are never the same person when you come back.

I came full circle and offered Reiki sessions in the healing sanctuary on my campmates. It was great receiving feedback about what it opened up for them afterwards that they were finally able to process, especially my yurtmate that year.

While I was creating healing opportunities for others, I also wanted to do some of my own healing and be lifted into a new perspective. A number of my campmates mentioned a shaman on the playa who was offering sacred ceremonies using a medicine substance extracted from a toad.

So I decided to chat with several people I knew who had experienced it to see how it was for them. Answers varied, from flying out of their body, to understanding the bigger picture and meaning of life to an extreme opening and processing of what was unlocked from having pure dissolution of self. Not knowing too much of what it entailed, other than how others responded, I decided to seek her out and try it for myself. We set up an appointment in her tent.

I followed her instructions for how to prep and noted what to do as aftercare. We opened up the space and created the container, with incense, sage, intention setting and card pulling.

I pulled a Pandora's Gift card. It said, "She is the hopeful voice of our soul that asks the questions and, in doing so, triggers the process that brings the answers. Sometimes it is through uncomfortable learning that we find our treasure. Pandora reminds us that the process of learning can take us to places that seem like the end of our world and, yet, all is not lost. Even now, the light within you is stirring for new revelation, new life, new adventure," and some things about finding the gift within you that will be a great light upon the world.

I did the breathwork prepwork ritual with her and inhaled the medicine and passed out for 10 minutes, but what felt like an eternity. After that I was seated up and just looking around the tent. Apparently she'd been singing the whole time. And finally I grab a sip of water from my bottle and see my name sticker on it (how you place your name on anything you bring to the playa) and said out loud "Victoria......oh I'M Victoria". She looks at me and says "yes, very good!"

She asked me what I remembered and I said I remember going into a vast, bright white nothingness and silence and not too much else. She said even if there's things I don't remember now, the realizations can come up to my conscious awareness over the coming weeks.

And I noticed then that I was crying. Was it sadness? Was it joy? Was it bliss? I didn't know. I was moreso just surprised that I had tears rolling down my cheeks this entire time.

What I didn't know then that I know now is that I had a complete dissolution of my "I-Self", a temporary ego death. And that took several moments to re-integrate & re-establish my sense of "I" after coming back.

I had a quiet introverted evening keeping to myself after that, journaling, reflecting and integrating. I had done the breathwork she taught me before going to sleep. She said to keep doing the breathwork before sleep to access more of that state of awareness in my dream state.

As I returned back from this trip to the burn, what I brought back with me was this new awareness of pure consciousness that is connected to everything and nothing at the same time. What unfolded over the coming months from there was interesting.

While last time I became fascinated with non-linear manifestation, synchronicities and working on my grounding and boundaries. This time I became fascinated with past lives and concept of the collective consciousness, and wanted to explore both of those more deeply after.

When I came home, I adopted that kitten and named her "Mica" after the crystal. I looked up what that crystal is used for and it was perfect with my new intentions. "Mica facilitates clarity in vision and mysticism. Mica provides reflective qualities so that one can recognize the flaws of humanity while remaining in a heart space to continue to love all of humanity with its imperfections. Mica assists in self-reflection and facilitates the acknowledgement and elimination of character traits that no longer serve one’s highest purpose. Mica is a helpful crystal tool as it helps one look at a situation in complete detail. Mica provides for growth and flexibility in all areas and supports the processing and release of painful feelings. Mica provides one with energy and purpose to move forward and appreciate the lessons and experiences in the past. Mica diminishes nervous energy, calms an overthinking mind while positively enhancing intellectual pursuits and mental situations."

With Mica there, someone depending on me and wanting to play with me when I got home, for the first time I enjoyed spending time at home more than going out, and became more of a homebody.

I started focusing on building out my website for my energy healing and aromatherapy products for guiltless, indulgent self care for busy career women. But I had no idea what I wanted to communicate in the messaging, how I wanted to format the site or design it. I was already seeing clients from home and selling products. But I didn't think I was legit until I had my site up, which became a stall tactic. What we now help many of our clients move through now, many holistic wellness and spiritual practitioners we've worked with over the years believe that having a website is like a license to do business, and I was there too.

I did not know back then that it could not be farther from the case. It was hard for me to crystallize who I was in writing, especially after having gone through so many rapid transformations over the years, to feel confident in my skills (an inner game) and to define a transformation I helped my clients with, so the website would not come.

I did another training for work, in Therapeutic Touch, an energy healing modality specific to nursing.

When I got back I really was starting to feel the pressure to speak to someone about everything I've experienced over the past couple of years and knew there was a lot I had not processed emotionally. I could not subject my yoga teacher, who'd became my dear trusted friend and person I confided, to all of that chatter anymore.

All these years I'd been focused on strengthening my physical body after the accident, creating a mental vision of what I wanted my life to look like — start a business, have a long term partner, buy a house near where I was living, cultivating my skillsets and spirituality — what I had NOT prioritized was processing my emotions, and there were a lot of questions I had about my purpose and now I finally had the bandwidth and stillness for that kind of exploration.

All year long I'd been listening to the astrology show Clifton had sent me and thought I could get some of those questions around purpose answered through an astrology reading. The show's host did not have any openings currently for readings. And then I got an intuitive message to "contact Clifton for a reading". I thought, "that makes sense. Clifton knows him personally, maybe he can see if I can get a reading".

I reached out to Clifton on Facebook messenger thanking him for the astrology podcast and mentioned how much it's helped me this year. Then Clifton offered me a different kind of reading — an Akashic reading. More on this next!