2. The Wrong Exit That Changed My Direction

What is this burnout story that had a car accident crescendo you ask? Well, as I mentioned I had no reserves for "me time", no practices to fill my cup back up, no bandwidth for focused deep dives on anything on my days off, except having fun to infuse some joy into my reality.

In summer 2015 I was on my way to one my favorite go-to places on my day off - the beach in the Rockaways, Fort Tilden specifically. When I had a near death experience. On autopilot, (as if I was headed to my Mom's place) I accidentally took the wrong exit and before I knew it, I was about to enter onto the Verrazano Bridge to Staten Island (whoops).

The irony of the ominous, multi-dimensional meaning of the sign I read just as I was about to enter onto the bridge "Last Exit Before Toll" wasn't lost on my when I reflected back to this day years later. Realizing I was off track on my path, I quickly course corrected by moving across 2 lanes as quickly as I could, as I heard the blaring horn of a very decent sized box truck going at least 45-50 mph (yikes).

I saw my life flash before my eyes -- how cliche I know -- as I saw the truck in my rearview mirror and heard the honk as I thought "goodbye, life". I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt the impact reverberating through both my car and body. After what felt like moments, but likely was only a few seconds, I opened my eyes, surprised I was still alive from the impact (and still driving) and started making my way over to the shoulder.

I stepped out of the car, in shock, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I was relieved that I could walk. Walked to the back of my car and saw the impact of the collision, and thought fuck my mom is going to kill me.

Some would call this experience a close call or a wake up call. Some would call it divine intervention. I call it a rebirth, because the person I became on the other side of this near death experience was completely different from the checked out version of Victoria I was before it.

The bystanders who called the police and stayed with me until they came to to scene were shocked I was alive, as were the police and medics. I walked away with hardly a scratch externally, my car was totaled. On the inside I was incredibly confused though about how that was possible. The way the car had crumpled from the collision was also a close call too. It was more crumpled on the right side than the left -- which had the fuel gauge and could have exploded.

My stepfather came to the scene, and rode with me in the ambulance where they put a neck brace and plopped me on the gurney. They didn't run any scans, only gave me a motrin and gave me a prescription for it. I had whiplash and lower back pain from the shock of the impact. The accident had exacerbated the tension in my lower back in my back pain-prone nursing nursing.

I had to take time off of work, for a whole month and a half, because if I was not able to use my physical body, and so I was non-functional in this role. While on disability, I had a whole lot of time to think and take stock of what was in my current reality as I finally had pause to slow down. A lot of things were suddenly flooding to my awareness. Like the fact that I had a kleptomaniac roommate who was stealing my things (how had I not noticed this until now?) and also completely one sided friends and relationships I started exiting and giving the roommate notice to move out.

I had time to finally sit with myself and started meditating, which was something I always wanted to get into prior to but "never got around to it" or quite had the energy for it. As I didn't have to go into work, my number priority became my wellness and self care and nursing myself back to health. This ignited the path of my healing journey, trying every wellness and healing modality I could find to help with my back pain and whiplash, from massage therapy, chiropractic, acupuncture, trigger point injections, yoga. And eventually, my personal development. This awakened the journey of "State -> Self" in our Faces of the Future 6S Framework.

I took stock of the fact that I wanted to work smarter, not harder and not be reliant on my physical body to earn a living and started becoming interested in entrepreneurship and starting a business. It was timely because my entrepreneurial cryptographer cousin was traveling for work and conferences and needed a place to crash so he stayed with me and I got to get out there and network with him. I wanted to make some cool nursing invention and retire from nursing early.

I started reading books about business and personal development like Tim Ferris's 4-Hour Workweek, which was a huge inspiration at the time for me. And I resolved to figure out how do I get this time and money freedom everyone talks about when stuck I'm trading time for money. I'd have to learn more skills I decided.

Now that I had some of my energy and bandwidth back, and as my back got better, I started introducing more of the things I enjoyed, like yoga. I was introduced to Kirtan (devotional call & response heart based singing in Sanskrit, also known as Bhakti Yoga), which I loved. Ironically, my mom and stepdad were into it when I moved back home with them from college, and were sharing about their transcendent experiences with it, but I thought it was weird at the time and never gave it the time of day), and now here I was.

I returned back to work, resolved that I would figure out a way out of this hell job. After 6 weeks of being off, it was time to return. I was fitted for a backbrace by my no-fault insurance that looked like something a 80 year old lady would wear who had lifelong struggles with back pain (insert pic).

And I started looking for a new job, scared of the uncertainty and reset of my seniority of what that would bring (eek possible night shift again). Something that had deterred me from shifting jobs sooner. That saying of "better the devil you know than the one you don't know" rang true for me all those years, but this got to a point where it was unbearable for me. I had to wear a backbrace now for christsakes, like I had to suit up like I was going into combat when I entered work, just to make sure I didn't re-injure myself from assisting and turning dependent patients.

That was a breaking point.

I started going to more networking events around technology, innovation and entrepreneurship in wellness, connected with some startups in the wellness space and started advising them as a clinical expert, hoping I'd find a pathway out if bedside nursing. I had no idea how to get paid my value though or collect payment outside of receiving a paycheck, and did not know what to do if they ignored my invoices.

I also tried to get some of these innovative healthcare products into the hospital and even joined the hospital wide committee that voted on the adoption of new products, supply chain and running pilots trialing the products on the unit. I saw how friction-filled it was to get a large corporation to adopt a new product, or novel way of thinking about innovation, and how long the process was to approve and stock a new item hospital wide.

By going to these entrepreneurial networking events in the wellness space is how I met my now partner, Clifton. My psychic told me the guy I was seeing wasn't the one and to keep going to networking events and I'd meet my guy there, it wouldn't seem that way at first, but to be open minded and give it a chance).

Clifton and I met in an elevator on the way up to a biotech networking event afterparty at a swanky penthouse in Hell's Kitchen. He ended up speaking to me the majority of the night there. I was more interested in networking and finding professional opportunities. I left the event without saying goodbye. He ended up finding me through the event coordinator and going on Facebook combing through the list of attendees. He found me and we continued the conversation via FB Messenger.

To say I was into him at this time would have been a lie, but I remembered what the psychic told me, so I gave it a chance. I had just ended the other relationship, which I care about the guy but I felt was not going anywhere. I agreed to meet Clifton for a date. He was kind, flattering and seemed very interested, and it felt nice to be pursued in that way. And I felt a bit of a vibe of non-seriousness from him though like he was playing the field and enjoying his business school bachelor NYC lifestyle though. Because I didn't feel this was a moment for a more serious relationship, which is what I was ultimately looking for, so it didn't get past that one date. This story ends here for now and picks back up almost 3 years later.